Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts

Call In

June 11, 2020
There’s a voice whispering in my ear that I’ve talked enough about this and I’m beating a dead horse, but I’m going to post this anyway.

A week (and a lifetime ago, it feels like), Maeva Veillard and I collaborated to write a letter to my middle school and high school, Lexington Christian Academy, that demanded them to reconcile past racial injustices and take steps towards becoming a safer space for Black students. As of now, approximately 235 alumni have signed the letter.

When I drafted this letter, I knew that I was going to be the one to send it to the administration. Having grown up at LCA in more ways than one and being the child of Lori Johnson, I recognized that I hold a lot of cultural capital at LCA. But as I lay awake on Tuesday night, planning to send it the next day, I kept thinking about what I was going to say in that email. How was I going to make clear that I held both the demand for change and the fond memories of my time at LCA in my hands? How would I present this letter in a way that invites the administration, educators, and board members into the work? And since this letter is Maeva’s ideas repackaged, how am I going to explain my stake in this fight?

This is what I wrote at 2 am and what I sent at 8 am (slightly revised) on Wednesday, June 3rd. Even more than the letter, it represents why I fight for racial justice. Perhaps some of you will see your own story reflected in here as well.

///

Dear [administration of LCA],

There's a short version and a long version of this. Before I give you either, please click here and read Maeva Veillard's Facebook post. You may have already, but I encourage you to read it again. It's the reason for everything else I'm about to say.

Last disclaimer: [the headmaster] let me know that a letter was sent out to the LCA community yesterday. I have not had a chance to read this letter yet.

Short version: After reading Maeva's post, I wrote an open letter based on her thoughts and points urging LCA to address past wrongs and commit to better practices that support Black students. I asked alumni who agreed with the contents to sign, and it was circulated privately among LCA alumni yesterday. This letter will be posted publicly by me and whoever else would like to at 1 pm today.

I wrote this letter out of a deep love for the LCA community that supported me so well as a student but who didn't always support my fellow Black students, as I saw reflected in Maeva's post. I urge you to read this letter and the names of people who affirm what it says. I am also asking you to please forward this letter onto the board of trustees.

In response to this letter, I'd like you all to consider: how will LCA be an inclusive space rather than just a diverse space? I put forth some suggestions at the end of the letter, but it is in your hands to create action steps and begin the change.

Long version:
I am deeply connected to LCA, and I truly believe that the education I received at LCA prepared me for the rest of my life. I not only found my passion for English there but I also found community in Chamber Singers, my voice in musicals, mentors and life-long friends in teachers, seeds of a faith that is willing to engage with the world, and a core group of friends who I will love until the day I die. I am who I am today because of LCA.

However, I do not believe that LCA was as effective in teaching me to recognize my racial privilege. It was the election of Donald Trump that opened my eyes and pushed me to learn how deeply racism is embedded in our society. Looking back on my time at LCA, I'm ashamed to say I thought things like, "Why are all the black kids sitting together?" and "I guess they don't want to be my friend," not realizing the constant microaggressions and exhaustion that students of color faced every day in a predominantly white space.

LCA taught me to think critically but not to apply that skill to race: my own and others. Things may have changed in the last five years; I hope they have.

This week's events have been a culturally defining moment for America, another Ferguson. I've watched many people on social media share resources and push others to have tough conversations. I also saw what you all saw: Black alumni discussing their experiences at LCA publicly.

I at first wondered why I saw Black alumni sharing about their LCA experiences—why now? What made them want to share? I believe that the heightened conversation about racism and some American's refusal to acknowledge it has led people, particularly Black people, to another chance to reflect on times that impacted their racial understanding of the world. For me, I've been reflecting on the election of Donald Trump and the books I've read (Stamped, The Warmth of Other Suns, So You Want to Talk About Race, Who Put This Song on) lately. For Black students, one of the things that come to mind is the racism they experienced at LCA.

Prompted by Maeva's post, I reflected on my own racial journey at LCA and realized that there wasn't a lot there that I remembered. What that means is that my whiteness and privilege were not challenged, I missed out on opportunities to decenter myself in the curriculum, and I was protected by my privilege to be blinded to actual racism at LCA. I, however, did not understand these facts or have the ability to articulate them while I was at LCA. Perhaps if I did, I could have started to work for racial justice right within the walls of the senior hallway.

Maeva's post struck a chord with me (and with other alumni, black and white). I asked if I could write a letter echoing her points and then circulate it to other alumni to allow them to raise their voices. And that's what we did: send the letter to our friends and classmates and hoped they would agree and sign.

A few years ago I was introduced to this term "call in." As opposed to calling out, intending to shame and humiliate, calling in is an invitation extended out of love and necessity. It's a way of saying "I see you aren't where I need you to be, and I am going to let you know that." This letter is a call in.

As someone who would like to work at LCA someday, I am calling you in. I am standing before you to ask that you invest in concrete steps to support all your students—students like Maeva who needed a space to be safe and a curriculum in which to see herself and students like me who needed a space to be challenged and a curriculum that helped me see others. Every student at LCA deserves an educator who is trained in culturally relevant pedagogy, is actively anti-racist, and teaches students to be anti-racist.

Please, read this letter and read the names. Then ask yourselves: how can we as a school and institution address grievances? How can we take steps towards the goals stated at the end of the letter? How can we not only be a diverse school but an inclusive school? How do we become a school that values its Black students as much as students who pay full tuition? How will teachers learn to teach equitably? From who? How will you support students when #BlackLivesMatter isn't trending anymore? How will you teach your white students about the privilege they have and how will you challenge them to leverage that privilege? How will you value Black Indigenous and People of Colors' voices at LCA? In the student body? In the faculty and staff? In the highest levels of administration? How will you teach the Bible and Christianity from an equity lens, acknowledging the ways Christianity has been used as a weapon of white supremacy and as a way to begin to heal racial divisions?

I fight for justice because I follow a savior that loves every single person on this earth and calls me to deny myself and support the people who are othered. In Jesus's day, those people were tax collectors, prostitutes, and Samaritans. Today, those are the racially marginalized (Black, Latino, Korean, Chinese, Nigerian, Indonesian, Haitian, etc.) people, LGBT+ people, the disabled people, and more. I also fight for justice because I was taught to by my mother and her dedication to all students. I hope that she would stand by what I've written if she were here today.

I look forward to your answers and watching how you all will fight for justice. I am grateful for the time you have given me and the work you have done and will do.

In solidarity,
Alex Johnson, Class of 2015



Senior Blues

May 01, 2019
We’re having confession time here, because it’s always confession time on this blog: I’ve been avoiding this space.

The month of April has been a difficult one for me. Work-wise, it hasn’t been too bad. I’ve been working through the poems I collected from my eighth graders (now I have collected them a month ago and still haven’t finished them… whoops) and mostly chilling in the back while my mentor teaches Romeo and Juliet. I had another awful class where 4 students didn’t listen, disrupting learning for the other 22 in the room, and that was frustrating and brought on some self-doubts. I haven’t had a ton of extra evening or weekend commitments.

April should have been pretty good. But in the first week of April, I decided to reconsider a job in Massachusetts that I had previously passed up on. By the last week of April, I decided against that job again. Between those two times, I bounced back and forth between the uncertainty in Grand Rapids and the security in Massachusetts. I prayed, I talked to my housemates, I asked for prayer requests, and I tried to join Creston CRC, which was ultimately the thing that made my housemates and I say, “If I’m trying to join a church, shouldn’t I be trying to stay here?”

I should be secure and content, knowing that God will provide for me a job in Grand Rapids somewhere. But let me just tell you, I spent the last four minutes searching charter school jobs in Grand Rapids because that’s one of the only fields that I haven’t tapped into yet. There have been two times when I’ve been driving home from my Tuesday night seminars—tired after a full day of school, three hours of class, heading to another hour or so of devotions, and frustrated with my situation—and God has shown me that he’s got me through a beautiful sunset or a song that spoke to me. Yet whenever I’m around my fellow student teachers who are getting jobs and becoming more secure in what they are doing next year, my self-doubts start to creep in. What if I’m just good at school and I can’t translate that into being a teacher? How am I going about the job search wrong? I thought I was doing decently at this, but no one is giving me a call back. What do I do?

I’d like to give a neat and tidy answer to those questions, but I’m still in the weeds you all. I’m still struggling to let God take control of this part of my life that I want to control so badly and that I feel like I am controlling somewhat—I do have to send in the applications, right? This job search is showing me a lot about how I value myself, which I thought was dictated by my own standards but turns out is dictated by others’ affirmation of me, and how I deal with uncertainty and fear. Maybe God’s been preparing me for this through studying Jesus & Peter walking on water through John Ortberg’s book If You Want to Walk on Water, You Have to Get Out of the Boat; maybe he’s been preparing me through conversations that I’ve had with my housemates about the spiritual disciplines; maybe he’s been preparing me for this through Mom’s death. All I know is it feels unfair to have worked this hard and have felt so passionate about the work I’m doing in education only to be roadblocked by my lack of experience and job searching skills.


I know it’ll all work out. I just want to tell that to the Alex who is hanging off the cliff, feeling her fingers getting slick, unable to look down and see the outcropping ten feet below.

Prayer of a (Student) Teacher

February 28, 2019

I don’t know what happened last night at Rhylee’s house,
nor does Rhylee know what happened at mine.
My head is full of plans and misfires and adjustments, but
it looks opaque and serene and ineffable to students.
When I get up to speak, I expect the heavens to open
and am instead satiated with glazed eyeballs that aren’t rolling
to communicate with their fellow soldiers in the war against
me.
I ignore the head-bumping in the hallway
and take deep breaths in the lounge
and try to make my copies before the bell.

But God, I want to be better.

Help me smile at Jacklyn when she talked her way through
my class. Fight back my fears of inadequacy.
Give me the courage to walk up to Jamon
and let him know his class comment was really great and
how is your day going?

Let your love shake me so it shakes my kids.

Let my vulnerability and fears be on display
so when I ask students to write their hearts
they will. Let my idealism and pent-up ideas burst forth
to help a kid’s learning, not my delusions of grandeur.

Tell them that I’m trying, that I love them,
that most days I can’t wait until they walk in with
their airpods and their insecurities and
their desperate need to be needed.
Tell them it’s my greatest joy to give them stories,
to push them to express themselves, to hear about their
basketball games and favorite books and tea spilling.
Tell them to believe me when I say, “What should you
be doing?” I’m saying, “Let me help you.”

Make me fill my cup in your still waters,
so I can lead them to the green pastures, the boundary
lines, the ultimate sacrifice(s) of love.


This was mostly brought on by reading the first couple chapters of John Ortberg’s If You Want to Walk on Water, You’ve Got to Get Out of the Boat. I dont read a lot of explicitly “Christian” novels, but I'm really enjoying this one so far. Obviously, this prayer-poem also about my first few weeks as a teacher, and the names are made up.

The Raw: "The Good Christian"

February 12, 2019
When I'm asking the question, “Am I a good enough Christian?” I'm really asking the question, “Am I going to be able to see my mom again?”

It's no secret (at least I hope it isn't a secret to you all) that I struggle with my spiritual life. I've always had this sense that I'm conning everyone, that this Good Christian Girl™ is just how I act as because it's my personality and how I was raised. I guess in that sense you could argue that Christianity seeped into my bones, but I think following God requires a little more intentionality than that. I try to create intentionality in my cyclical phases of pressuring myself to do through reading the Bible, going to church, praying throughout the day, going to chapel, memorizing Bible verses, plus a new idea here or there.

But tonight my house read Galatians 3:1-6 and 5:1-6 in devos tonight, and my frustrations about my perceived mixed signals in Christianity came to a head. I thought of the passage where Jesus says that some will say to him “Lord, Lord,” and he will say “I never knew you.” I thought of the implorations I've digested to live by faith, not by works. I thought of all my failed faith projects where I try to establish a habit and it just doesn't stick. Ever. It feels like I'm constantly being told that I just need to believe in Jesus and follow him, and then I'm being told that I also need to great commission everyone and continually be in the word and pray without ceasing.

I know these things aren't disconnected. I know being a child of God is about my heart turning towards Jesus, who has been chasing after me, and loving him. And then loving my neighbors. And then following in his footsteps, which include great commissioning and knowing the Bible and praying all the time. I know if my heart's in the right place, I should want that.

So what does it mean if I don't? Worse yet, what does it mean when I read Scripture and go, “Wow, that was really fulfilling. I should do this more often.” and then proceed to not read more Scripture? What does it mean that I pray when I remember and sleep when I don't? What does it mean that I'm more concerned about shaping who I am as a teacher than who I am as a Christian?

(Sure, my teaching philosophy is based on Christian theologyimage of God in all students & teachers, seeking after God in all parts of creation, Bible/parables showing how stories are essential to how we relate as humansbut it feels like at this point I'm spending more time honing that than my own ideas and implementations of theology.)

So I've decided that I need to be in a relationship with God and seek after him. What does that mean? What do I do? Should I be concerned that my mind automatically goes to action rather than time or reflection? Should I just adjust my expectations of what I “get out” of these faith actions?


If I don't get this right, how can I even conceive of an afterlife without my mom?


(To which my stuck-up faith voice [you know what I'm talking about] says “You shouldn't be stuck on the afterlife the real good part of Christianity is what we do on earth if you are just in it for heaven you aren't actually in it why think about the afterlife when you haven't even gotten through college?”)

Mom's death upped the ante for me. I know I have the rest of my life to work through this, and I know I can't get it right on my own, but it feels like I have to. It feels like I gotta explore some foundational things and seek more for a relationship. But will I spend time on it? Is it more pressing than planning a unit for 110 students? Is it possible that I can still do all the things that God put me here to do/affect/screw up/make better/prolong/quicken/change and seek him? I'm honestly not sure if I'll even end up taking the time to try.

I've tried to end this post three times, and if I learned anything from actually teaching half of a lesson in class today, it's that I find conclusions really hard. I don't have any recommendations to save my sorry bum, so here: grief permeates the cracks of your life that you would really prefer to ignore, and it seems so far that it either fuses and transforms that piece into something more sturdy or it slowly erodes the cracks, smoothing the edges so they start to look like separate pieces who were never a whole in the first place. I can't quite tell you yet what grief is doing to my faith.

The Letdowns of the Non-Moments

September 20, 2018
As I write this, I am currently sitting in my living room. One of my housemates is sitting diagonally to me, browsing on his phone. Another is in her room, talking to a guy who she hopes to rekindle a friendship with. The others are elsewhere: one I know is at a night class, two may be upstairs doing homework, and I think my mentors are in for the night.

There’s not a lot of times this semester that I can sit and be. 3 out of 5 weeknights I have obligations on campus, and one (and often more) of the other nights I spend with my housemates. When I am on campus, I strive to do work in the RC (which happens maybe 60% of the time) so I do not have to do it when I get home. While I still have a home base on campus, it is in constant motion with coworkers changing shifts and clients coming in and classes coming up. As usual, hurry is an integral piece of my routines.


As a part of Project Neighborhood, there are a couple things I am required to do. One of them is to memorize the 5 pillars of PN—vibrant community, loving neighbors, committed sustainability, attention to the ordinary, and something (perhaps intentional? It was purposeful) discipleship—and some verse in Hebrews 11 I think. Another one is to walk through Richard Foster’s book Celebration of Discipline, which is apparently a famous Christian version of a self-help book (I know—it’s different and I shouldn’t be flippant, but I’m not that far off). We read as a house the first chapter yesterday about meditation and discussed it. The chapter and the insights of my housemates made me realize both the importance of setting aside time to meditate and to be close to God throughout my day. There was a moment in my capstone class where I disagreed with what some of the people at my table said, and I had that little fist squeezing the middle of my ribcage. May it be known, I did say some of what I thought, but I also remembered our conversation last night, took a moment to breathe, and lifted my spirit for a second.

Sometimes I wonder if I lay the Christian holiness aspect of me on too thick with some people. In my capstone class again, I think I cited more Bible verses (I just typed articles, so that should tell you something) in a 650-word response than in any other piece of writing that I’ve done. I want to say I’m continually striving to grow deeper in both my closeness to God and my part in his community on earth, but that’s not always true. Most of the time, I feel like I’m spinning my wheels. Let me get real with you.


I’m not sure I’ve ever explicitly told anyone this, but my goals in faith and my goals with my weight are often linked together in my mind. They are both things that feel immensely important and yet still so out of reach for me. I’m continually trying to inch in progress towards them, sometimes focusing more on one than the other, but it feels like I always slide back down to the bottom. I know that’s not true; I’ve been eating healthily and I’ve been listening to a daily praying podcast that has been super instructive for me in making God a piece of my routine.


I read the obesity article that has been circulating this morning, and I'm glad I did despite the obviously clickbait-y title. It brought up a lot of thoughts, but mostly that I spent my days in middle, high school, and even part of college in the mindset that my body was something to be focused on and fixed. It was only when I was able to take my food consumption fully into my own hands that I felt in control of my destiny and really took ownership of my body. If I decided to bake brownies, I put in the work for it and knew what I was getting into. But this control of food is a major privilege—that I had the money to buy the healthier not-as-processed food, that I had the time to cook it, and that I had the ease of cooking for 1 most of the time. I’m in a better place with my weight, but I still have the moments of thinking, “Are people judging me? Do I look more like this person or this person? I should go running.”


I guess all I’m saying is that life isn’t cut and dry. In my Teaching of Writing class, Professor Johnson told us how in college, students come in as black and white thinkers, become relativists, and then emerge committed to an ideal. In high school, a disappearing stomach and a falling apart Bible were my ideals, and if I wasn’t that I wasn’t enough. I see now that smaller steps and acknowledging failure, even celebrating it, is how people actually live life. I gained 10 pounds over the summer, but I celebrated every day with my family and had the strength to wrangle 30 5- and 6-year-olds every week. I still have not fully figured out how to bring meditation into my daily life, but I listen to Jesus music and Scripture readings as I shower and get ready for the day. For today, my strivings will do.




Recommendations:

Really, read that article. Here’s the quote that gets me:
“I don’t want to be portrayed [in a photograph]; this is not about me. It’s about that guy you always see on the far treadmill at the gym. Or the lady who brings the most beautiful salads to work every day for lunch. It’s about the little girl who got bullied because of her size, and the little boy who was told he wasn’t man enough. It’s not about me, but had it been about me when I was that chubby little girl, maybe I wouldn’t be standing here, head against the door, wondering if I’m enough.”


Blog - The Pursuit of Bravery “When We are All Finally Home
I found John Lucas’s music buried in my 300 song playlist that I stick all the music I want to listen to eventually. In browsing his author page, I was struck by the EP Family X that he most recently put out to document “the overflow of his wrestlings with injustice—both historical and current—as a white, American, male.” I listened to his music (“Cathedrals” really is the best song, Spotify didn’t lie) and liked it, and then I found his blog. His writing toes the line I want to toe between personal stories and uncovering greater truths.


Podcast - Serial Season 3
Full disclaimer: I have not listened to this season yet but I know it is going to be so good. If you have any interest in injustice in the criminal justice system in America, you should listen to the first episode at least.


Book - Strange the Dreamer - Laini Taylor
Occasionally, as I’m browsing Twitter or Goodreads, something about Muse of Nightmares skips along my feed. I then throw my hands up and squeal, most often in the RC in front of Josh, who just shoots me a weird look. “I’m so excited for the sequel to Strange the Dreamer!” I say. Laini Taylor, who already owned my entire fantasy YA loving soul in her Daughter of Smoke and Bone trilogy, just had to outdo herself in Strange the Dreamer, which combines gods and racism and dreams all into one beautiful mess. The cliffhanger was killer, but unlike me, you’ll be reading it right before or right after the sequel comes out so you don’t have to wait two years in agony like me! You’re welcome.

Melting

July 28, 2018
Week 4 is like a melting popsicle—you know you are supposed to be enjoying it, but all you can think about while it drips is how sickly sweet it is and how stifling the air is and how sticky your hands are and how sad you are going to be when it is gone. And you just can’t bring yourself to lick away the oozing juice to get to the still frozen core, which is what you wanted at the start.

I came up with this simile as I was walking across the parking lot just having closed the arts and crafts room for extended day. I'm not sure it really makes sense, but I kind of like it.


As humans, we are constantly dealing with the passing of time and how that passing brings the closure and beginnings of events and times in our lives. It seems like most of our lives we view this passing in a binary—either wishing it would speed up or dragging out the seconds. But lately I've been feeling a little more ambivalent than these two views would accurately describe. I love camp, but I also cannot wait for it to end. But when it ends, I'm forced to reckon with the fact that I am going back to undergrad for the last time in my life (and that I have spent the summer reading YA instead of articles on college freshman’s understanding of genre).


It reminds me of the “already not yet” eschatology that I learned about in 10th grade in my religion class. Jesus has already come, inducting in the new earth, but he hasn't come again to complete this transformation. We're in this kind of limbo where we have this amazing hope confirmed but not yet completed. Time feels like this kind of limbo state too. When I look at my life, I'm filled with excitement and dread concurrently for things that I have done, things that I am doing, and things that are meant to come.


Often times this limbo makes me miss things before they are done simply because I know they will be done. I feel this to an extent with camp, but I really felt it a week ago when I finally went to the Kingdom Hearts World Tour Orchestra concert in Boston. I had heard the orchestra was coming to Boston in February, bought tickets in March, and now was finally getting to exist in a room with people who love my favorite game as much as I do. It became real as Lars and I shared a smile after we spotted a guy wearing Kingdom Hearts (KH) shirt walking the opposite direction. As we turned the corner to get to the theatre, all I could see were people lining up to get inside. Some of them were cosplayers and the kind of people you would imagine at a concert like this, but most were people who I would pass on a street without a second glance.

The point is, the moment I sat down and looked at the video screen and the empty chairs awaiting musicians, all I could think was, “This'll be over in 2 and a half hours.” I had waited and anticipated all this time, and now I could hardly enjoy it. I put it out of my head for the most or the concert, but the sadness hit me again when we stood up, collected our things, and made our way home (which was a comedy of errors).


One of the details that stuck out to me on my last read through of M.T. Anderson's Feed, probably one of the most important books I've read, was his treatment of nostalgia. In the book, the trends that the characters are into are always based on ironic misunderstandings of the past. Towards the end when everything is falling apart, people start getting nostalgic of times that are closer and closer to them until they are nostalgic for the present moment and become frozen in this nostalgia feedback loop. I felt like those characters in the midst of other KH nerds—nostalgic for the very moment I was in.


Being in the moment is cliché, and I'm not sure if it's the answer I'm looking for in these musings. Knowing that the moment is going to end helps me focus on the important things while I am still experiencing it, but focusing too much on the grains of sand slipping through my fingers makes me lose those important things altogether.


Seeing this event for what it was—passing—allowed me to see something more—the beauty of the impermanence of live music. I liked hearing live music because its imperfections reminded me that actual humans were behind these pieces of art, both in composing and performing them. Every note that passed was a moment in time that couldn't be exactly captured again, and they reignited the life of pieces that in some ways had become a part of the soundtrack of my life.

Is that too cheesy?




Poetry: “I saw Emmett Till at the grocery store this week” by Eve L. Ewing
I saw this poem a lot this week, commemorating what would have been Emmett Hill’s 77th birthday on July 25th. I don't think I quite understand it, but it mourns the lynchings that were so present in America less than a hundred years ago.


Books: Out on the Wire by Jessica Abel
This graphic novel is all about the art of narrative radio storytelling, which seems like an odd medium choice. It is very dense and hard to follow at times due to the meta nature of it (a graphic novel made up of interviews of radio people talking about how to conduct good interviews and cut down hours of time into seconds or minutes). It overwhelmed me, but in a way that made me want to buy the book. As a lover of story podcasts, it paradoxically made me want to never even think about making a podcast of my own and want to make one right now. Even if you aren't into radio, it has some great insights into how to do stories well.
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