Showing posts with label identity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label identity. Show all posts

Call In

June 11, 2020
There’s a voice whispering in my ear that I’ve talked enough about this and I’m beating a dead horse, but I’m going to post this anyway.

A week (and a lifetime ago, it feels like), Maeva Veillard and I collaborated to write a letter to my middle school and high school, Lexington Christian Academy, that demanded them to reconcile past racial injustices and take steps towards becoming a safer space for Black students. As of now, approximately 235 alumni have signed the letter.

When I drafted this letter, I knew that I was going to be the one to send it to the administration. Having grown up at LCA in more ways than one and being the child of Lori Johnson, I recognized that I hold a lot of cultural capital at LCA. But as I lay awake on Tuesday night, planning to send it the next day, I kept thinking about what I was going to say in that email. How was I going to make clear that I held both the demand for change and the fond memories of my time at LCA in my hands? How would I present this letter in a way that invites the administration, educators, and board members into the work? And since this letter is Maeva’s ideas repackaged, how am I going to explain my stake in this fight?

This is what I wrote at 2 am and what I sent at 8 am (slightly revised) on Wednesday, June 3rd. Even more than the letter, it represents why I fight for racial justice. Perhaps some of you will see your own story reflected in here as well.

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Dear [administration of LCA],

There's a short version and a long version of this. Before I give you either, please click here and read Maeva Veillard's Facebook post. You may have already, but I encourage you to read it again. It's the reason for everything else I'm about to say.

Last disclaimer: [the headmaster] let me know that a letter was sent out to the LCA community yesterday. I have not had a chance to read this letter yet.

Short version: After reading Maeva's post, I wrote an open letter based on her thoughts and points urging LCA to address past wrongs and commit to better practices that support Black students. I asked alumni who agreed with the contents to sign, and it was circulated privately among LCA alumni yesterday. This letter will be posted publicly by me and whoever else would like to at 1 pm today.

I wrote this letter out of a deep love for the LCA community that supported me so well as a student but who didn't always support my fellow Black students, as I saw reflected in Maeva's post. I urge you to read this letter and the names of people who affirm what it says. I am also asking you to please forward this letter onto the board of trustees.

In response to this letter, I'd like you all to consider: how will LCA be an inclusive space rather than just a diverse space? I put forth some suggestions at the end of the letter, but it is in your hands to create action steps and begin the change.

Long version:
I am deeply connected to LCA, and I truly believe that the education I received at LCA prepared me for the rest of my life. I not only found my passion for English there but I also found community in Chamber Singers, my voice in musicals, mentors and life-long friends in teachers, seeds of a faith that is willing to engage with the world, and a core group of friends who I will love until the day I die. I am who I am today because of LCA.

However, I do not believe that LCA was as effective in teaching me to recognize my racial privilege. It was the election of Donald Trump that opened my eyes and pushed me to learn how deeply racism is embedded in our society. Looking back on my time at LCA, I'm ashamed to say I thought things like, "Why are all the black kids sitting together?" and "I guess they don't want to be my friend," not realizing the constant microaggressions and exhaustion that students of color faced every day in a predominantly white space.

LCA taught me to think critically but not to apply that skill to race: my own and others. Things may have changed in the last five years; I hope they have.

This week's events have been a culturally defining moment for America, another Ferguson. I've watched many people on social media share resources and push others to have tough conversations. I also saw what you all saw: Black alumni discussing their experiences at LCA publicly.

I at first wondered why I saw Black alumni sharing about their LCA experiences—why now? What made them want to share? I believe that the heightened conversation about racism and some American's refusal to acknowledge it has led people, particularly Black people, to another chance to reflect on times that impacted their racial understanding of the world. For me, I've been reflecting on the election of Donald Trump and the books I've read (Stamped, The Warmth of Other Suns, So You Want to Talk About Race, Who Put This Song on) lately. For Black students, one of the things that come to mind is the racism they experienced at LCA.

Prompted by Maeva's post, I reflected on my own racial journey at LCA and realized that there wasn't a lot there that I remembered. What that means is that my whiteness and privilege were not challenged, I missed out on opportunities to decenter myself in the curriculum, and I was protected by my privilege to be blinded to actual racism at LCA. I, however, did not understand these facts or have the ability to articulate them while I was at LCA. Perhaps if I did, I could have started to work for racial justice right within the walls of the senior hallway.

Maeva's post struck a chord with me (and with other alumni, black and white). I asked if I could write a letter echoing her points and then circulate it to other alumni to allow them to raise their voices. And that's what we did: send the letter to our friends and classmates and hoped they would agree and sign.

A few years ago I was introduced to this term "call in." As opposed to calling out, intending to shame and humiliate, calling in is an invitation extended out of love and necessity. It's a way of saying "I see you aren't where I need you to be, and I am going to let you know that." This letter is a call in.

As someone who would like to work at LCA someday, I am calling you in. I am standing before you to ask that you invest in concrete steps to support all your students—students like Maeva who needed a space to be safe and a curriculum in which to see herself and students like me who needed a space to be challenged and a curriculum that helped me see others. Every student at LCA deserves an educator who is trained in culturally relevant pedagogy, is actively anti-racist, and teaches students to be anti-racist.

Please, read this letter and read the names. Then ask yourselves: how can we as a school and institution address grievances? How can we take steps towards the goals stated at the end of the letter? How can we not only be a diverse school but an inclusive school? How do we become a school that values its Black students as much as students who pay full tuition? How will teachers learn to teach equitably? From who? How will you support students when #BlackLivesMatter isn't trending anymore? How will you teach your white students about the privilege they have and how will you challenge them to leverage that privilege? How will you value Black Indigenous and People of Colors' voices at LCA? In the student body? In the faculty and staff? In the highest levels of administration? How will you teach the Bible and Christianity from an equity lens, acknowledging the ways Christianity has been used as a weapon of white supremacy and as a way to begin to heal racial divisions?

I fight for justice because I follow a savior that loves every single person on this earth and calls me to deny myself and support the people who are othered. In Jesus's day, those people were tax collectors, prostitutes, and Samaritans. Today, those are the racially marginalized (Black, Latino, Korean, Chinese, Nigerian, Indonesian, Haitian, etc.) people, LGBT+ people, the disabled people, and more. I also fight for justice because I was taught to by my mother and her dedication to all students. I hope that she would stand by what I've written if she were here today.

I look forward to your answers and watching how you all will fight for justice. I am grateful for the time you have given me and the work you have done and will do.

In solidarity,
Alex Johnson, Class of 2015



Expanding the Universe

February 15, 2020
“For someone who does [podcasting] because you kinda wanna expand—you wanna leave the universe in people’s heads a little bigger than where you find them. And then to actually meet them and they say, ‘I’m bigger. I listened to this thing and I’m bigger. And thank you.’ That’s the nicest thing, the nicest thank-you there is.” — Robert Krulwich

In the past week, I’ve listened to two podcasts as they process through some turbulent changes: Robert Krulwich, one of the co-hosts of Radiolab, is retiring from the show, and The Nod is morphing into a TV series. Perhaps it's a little strange that I care about these changes as these two shows are not in my top tier of podcasts. They are ones whose feeds I scroll through when This American Life is airing reruns and Heavyweight’s season has ended and Reply All is stuck in the purgatory of researching stories. Nevertheless, I wanted to be a part of their reminiscences and bittersweet celebrations.

Towards the end of “The Bobbys,” where Radiolab recognizes Robert’s contributions to the show (and public radio) through an award that Robert created himself—The Bobbys—Robert says the line I quoted above. In the car by myself, I muttered, "Yes, exactly" and glanced at the timestamp so I could find it again when I wasn't hurtling down Fulton Avenue. I knew at that moment that Krulwich had put into words an idea my subconscious had already accepted.

Last weekend, we at Nizhoni had our house retreat. I was able to leave all my grading at home as we drove an hour to a tiny cottage five minutes from Lake Michigan. The house is tucked behind other expensive summer homes so all you can see through its large walls of windows are hills covered in snow, trees and occasionally speckled with does. It has a spiral staircase that leads to a loft that gets absurdly hot and light switches that never turn on the light you assume they will turn on. It was magical.

The goal of the retreat was to intentionally spend time getting to know each other. We spent every second together for two days and dished out all our feelings about families, friends, and what level of cleanliness we need. One of the activities we did to stimulate this sharing was to take our house Jenga set and write questions on them for each other. One of mine was “What do you want your legacy to be?” Even then, I wasn’t exactly sure what my answer would be.

Like Krulwich, I want the people who interact with me to be bigger—to have more wonder, to explore more, to know more. But most importantly, I want them to be bigger in their hearts.

I recycled the legacy question for a brainstorming worksheet to help my students write a personal essay. During class, one of them who didn’t really want to fill it out shot at me, “Well, why don’t you answer these questions?” I obliged, rattling off answers. When I got to my answer about my legacy, I said, “I want to be remembered as caring.”

She laughed derisively and said, “You aren’t doing that now.”

As much as I tried to grin that one off, her comment stung.

Legacies, by definition, are written by the people who come afterward. Krulwich hopes that his work on Radiolab made people think more, but it's only his audience members who can confirm for him that yes, that one episode about parasites was a slow gateway into a love of podcasts. I can hope all I want that I will leave a legacy of strong relationships and selfless actions, but the jury is still out.

And maybe this is all too much to consider for a 23-year-old who is not on the verge of death (as far as she knows). And maybe this is all too negative a piece for someone who knows that kind of legacy is possible. I’ve seen it throughout the past year; I saw it in the bathroom when I looked and found her face in the mirror. I blinked and then smiled as my features became my own again. “I guess she’s still there,” I thought and then turned off the light.

When You're Trying Your Best and You Don't Succeed

January 05, 2020
I’ve been thinking about this, and partially because no one uses Facebook anymore and partially because I’m beyond caring, I’m not protecting the links to this blog anymore.

When I started this blog about a year and a half ago, I didn’t really know if I would stick with it or keep up with it. I didn’t know what it would turn into and where it would go. I didn’t know if people actually wanted to read my thoughts, so I did the gradual release method: wrote for myself for about a month, opened the link to close friends and family, and slowly added people to the list as they mention hearing about my blog.

And the safety of a protected list is nice. I often don’t edit these pieces as I edit my the post calvin essays—the last one probably taking me about 4 to 5 hours from start to finish. I was able to be fully myself and say whatever I wanted. I guess now I’m confident enough to do it without a safety net.

Will I actually promote this blog more? Probably not. Will I write more on it? Also probably not. But this year I am trying to write more as I find it helps me work through my feelings. We’ll see what 2020 brings.

(If you’re new here, here are some posts that capture what this blog is about: The StartWho Tells Your Story, Living in the Hyphen, Hallmarked Homecomings)


*****


I asked Abby, the post calvin content curator, for feedback on my posts. As I’ve mentioned before, I feel a little unworthy to be on such a high-caliber blog such as the post calvin and I don’t do my best writing under imposter syndrome. She mentioned that I’ve written a lot about teaching and that I should make a rule to not write about teaching until, say, April.

A part of me immediately balked at this idea. Me, a first-year teacher at a difficult school, not write about teaching for four months? What else am I supposed to write about? It’s what consumes most of my waking hours; if I’m not at school, I’m either lesson planning, thinking about my day and how to do better, at church, hanging out with friends, eating, reading, or sleeping. That list pretty much sums up my life.

“My life is teaching, my house, my church, and reading,” I glibly remarked to most of my parent’s friends at our annual New Year’s Day open house. I got kind of sick of explaining my job and having to be like, “No, it sucks and it’s really hard and I am kind of dreading it but it’s fine!” so I defaulted back to my joke-y line that reminds me of something Mom said in September 2018: “First-year teaching isn’t a job; it’s a lifestyle.”

That statement or advice has become unhealthy to me, I think.

(and even a piece of me right now is saying, “No it isn’t. Teaching takes a lot of time, and you are investing a lot and that’s good. Don’t try to weasel your way out of doing a good job just because you are tired. That’s really what this is.”)

I spend so much of my time thinking about teaching that it is becoming who I am. It’s taken me four months of conversations that have danced around this topic for me to finally let my guard down enough to even engage with that idea: that perhaps I am more than my job.

I’ve been so focused on being a good teacher that it has come at the cost of me being a whole person. Sure, being a part of a church and a PN house has mostly counterbalanced it, but I’m afraid if I keep hurdling down this route I will become the person who only talks about her job because she does nothing outside of that.

Here’s what I’m going to try: when I feel anxious and want to avoid my work, rather than browsing the Internet and find random memes or essays about pop culture, I’m going to turn back to things that I know fulfill me—reading, writing, prayer, and meditation. I will give myself evenings off. I will be a full person so I have the energy to love my students, even when they so clearly do not love me back.

But first, I have some lesson planning to do. Thanks for letting me process with you all.


Recommendations:
  • The Good Place Season 1. Don’t say that I didn’t warn you that it is addictive. It’s on Netflix.
  • The Way You Make Me Feel — a sweet YA contemporary summer novel that was light and yet had substance. I enjoyed it a lot more than most of the books I’ve been reading.
  • Mad Max: Fury Road and Into the Spider-Verse are movies that I revisited due to the decade ending. Surprise! They are as amazing as they were when I first watched them.
  • Little Women. I’m totally sold on everything Greta Gerwig produces now.
P.S. This NPR article about how to use your weekend effectively is the kind of energy I was going for in this post, and it gives some pretty solid tips. Check it out.

Who are You, Again?

June 30, 2019
WANTED:

White blond young adult female presenting. Medium height and slightly heavier build. Spends some time reading but more on Instagram and podcasts. Avoids texting her friends. Stays up at night worrying about the changes coming in the future.

This woman is dangerous and emotionally damaging and needs to be contained. Bring her in at your own risk. Last seen 4 years ago looking at a text which reportedly said that she needed to stop sending out “needy vibes” and that “God does want her to have friends.”


I just worked my first week of camp, the same summer job I’ve been working for the last five years. I know the routine, I know my coworkers, and I know generally what my day is going to look like—spending 7 hours entertaining five-year-olds. I also know that I’ll be exhausted by 9 o’clock and asleep by 10. But night after night this week, I laid awake stressing about whether teaching is what I’m meant to be doing and about what it is going to be like to live in Grand Rapids and if I’m going to live there long term or let myself up and leave to a completely new place. It was super frustrating, and by Thursday night I realized I couldn’t sleep because I had something to say, something that’s been bubbling up this month despite my best efforts to ignore it.

I’ve realized that I really really suck at dealing with major changes. I seem to turn into this anxious and clingy monster who can’t believe that she has changed middle school and wonders how she is pulling off this heist of stealing everyone’s feelings. It’s partly imposter syndrome—I lay awake at night thinking, “I don’t know good strategies to teach students how to read”—but a part of it is that with every new major transition I have, I feel the pressure to reform my identity. For some people this may be freeing; for me, it’s debilitating.

My first three weeks of college I got really stuck in this vortex. The last time I had a chance to really start over was when I was entering LCA in sixth grade. In elementary school, I was the shy girl, but I started to grow more and more away from that throughout middle school. By high school, I doubt any of my Burlington classmates would have recognized who I was. Then suddenly I was in a new state with 2 people out of 900 who had known me, and I had the chance to redefine myself. I questioned a lot of things—my own ability to make friends, the level of engagement I was going to have in college, if I should have looked at other schools—but after my mom gave me a “come to Jesus” text, I settled in.

I’m in the vortex again. I’m questioning all I learned in college, if I learned anything about education, whether I’m qualified at all, if I want the job that I’m committed to now, and whether it was the right choice to be in Massachusetts for the summer and be in Grand Rapids for the rest of the year. It’s hard for me to move on from being a student and shedding that identity without stepping straight into the identity I’ve been picturing myself in—English teacher. Instead, I’m in the nebulous fog of post-grad first jobs and exploring the job market and figuring out how to make friends in new social circles. I need a new identity, but I’m not starting my job for another month. So instead I just get to stress about whether I fit that mold or not.

The lesson I should be taking away from this is that I need to ground my identity in something outside of myself and draw comfort from that—i.e. see myself as a Christian first and foremost and let everything else be secondary. That idea is much easier said than done.

What I am taking away from this is what popped into my head during church this morning, which was, “This place is not meeting my needs fully.” I love Massachusetts and I love being home this summer, but in all honesty I’m glad I’m not staying here. I need the city, I need my church, and I need my housemates. I know even if my job isn’t perfect and even if there could have been a perfect one elsewhere I’m still going to learn and grow and be supported in Grand Rapids. There are people there who know me as an adult and are ready to help me cultivate new interests and new skills as I step out even further into independent living, and I’m so grateful that I know I have that support.

I’m struggling with seeing who I am fully, but maybe instead of stressing out about nailing my self-identity down in stone, I can trust the kaleidoscope of my identities that you all present back to me. Easier said than done but still something to strive for.

I have recommendations, but I don’t really want to write down why and honestly I’ve probably already told you about them. Watch Fleabag, listen to The Anthropocene Reviewed, and read Oceanic by Aimee Nezhukumatathil.
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