Calvin
faith
reflection
The Letdowns of the Non-Moments
As I write this, I am currently sitting in my living room. One of my housemates is sitting diagonally to me, browsing on his phone. Another is in her room, talking to a guy who she hopes to rekindle a friendship with. The others are elsewhere: one I know is at a night class, two may be upstairs doing homework, and I think my mentors are in for the night.
There’s not a lot of times this semester that I can sit and be. 3 out of 5 weeknights I have obligations on campus, and one (and often more) of the other nights I spend with my housemates. When I am on campus, I strive to do work in the RC (which happens maybe 60% of the time) so I do not have to do it when I get home. While I still have a home base on campus, it is in constant motion with coworkers changing shifts and clients coming in and classes coming up. As usual, hurry is an integral piece of my routines.
As a part of Project Neighborhood, there are a couple things I am required to do. One of them is to memorize the 5 pillars of PN—vibrant community, loving neighbors, committed sustainability, attention to the ordinary, and something (perhaps intentional? It was purposeful) discipleship—and some verse in Hebrews 11 I think. Another one is to walk through Richard Foster’s book Celebration of Discipline, which is apparently a famous Christian version of a self-help book (I know—it’s different and I shouldn’t be flippant, but I’m not that far off). We read as a house the first chapter yesterday about meditation and discussed it. The chapter and the insights of my housemates made me realize both the importance of setting aside time to meditate and to be close to God throughout my day. There was a moment in my capstone class where I disagreed with what some of the people at my table said, and I had that little fist squeezing the middle of my ribcage. May it be known, I did say some of what I thought, but I also remembered our conversation last night, took a moment to breathe, and lifted my spirit for a second.
Sometimes I wonder if I lay the Christian holiness aspect of me on too thick with some people. In my capstone class again, I think I cited more Bible verses (I just typed articles, so that should tell you something) in a 650-word response than in any other piece of writing that I’ve done. I want to say I’m continually striving to grow deeper in both my closeness to God and my part in his community on earth, but that’s not always true. Most of the time, I feel like I’m spinning my wheels. Let me get real with you.
I’m not sure I’ve ever explicitly told anyone this, but my goals in faith and my goals with my weight are often linked together in my mind. They are both things that feel immensely important and yet still so out of reach for me. I’m continually trying to inch in progress towards them, sometimes focusing more on one than the other, but it feels like I always slide back down to the bottom. I know that’s not true; I’ve been eating healthily and I’ve been listening to a daily praying podcast that has been super instructive for me in making God a piece of my routine.
I read the obesity article that has been circulating this morning, and I'm glad I did despite the obviously clickbait-y title. It brought up a lot of thoughts, but mostly that I spent my days in middle, high school, and even part of college in the mindset that my body was something to be focused on and fixed. It was only when I was able to take my food consumption fully into my own hands that I felt in control of my destiny and really took ownership of my body. If I decided to bake brownies, I put in the work for it and knew what I was getting into. But this control of food is a major privilege—that I had the money to buy the healthier not-as-processed food, that I had the time to cook it, and that I had the ease of cooking for 1 most of the time. I’m in a better place with my weight, but I still have the moments of thinking, “Are people judging me? Do I look more like this person or this person? I should go running.”
I guess all I’m saying is that life isn’t cut and dry. In my Teaching of Writing class, Professor Johnson told us how in college, students come in as black and white thinkers, become relativists, and then emerge committed to an ideal. In high school, a disappearing stomach and a falling apart Bible were my ideals, and if I wasn’t that I wasn’t enough. I see now that smaller steps and acknowledging failure, even celebrating it, is how people actually live life. I gained 10 pounds over the summer, but I celebrated every day with my family and had the strength to wrangle 30 5- and 6-year-olds every week. I still have not fully figured out how to bring meditation into my daily life, but I listen to Jesus music and Scripture readings as I shower and get ready for the day. For today, my strivings will do.
Recommendations:
Really, read that article. Here’s the quote that gets me:
“I don’t want to be portrayed [in a photograph]; this is not about me. It’s about that guy you always see on the far treadmill at the gym. Or the lady who brings the most beautiful salads to work every day for lunch. It’s about the little girl who got bullied because of her size, and the little boy who was told he wasn’t man enough. It’s not about me, but had it been about me when I was that chubby little girl, maybe I wouldn’t be standing here, head against the door, wondering if I’m enough.”
Blog - The Pursuit of Bravery “When We are All Finally Home”
I found John Lucas’s music buried in my 300 song playlist that I stick all the music I want to listen to eventually. In browsing his author page, I was struck by the EP Family X that he most recently put out to document “the overflow of his wrestlings with injustice—both historical and current—as a white, American, male.” I listened to his music (“Cathedrals” really is the best song, Spotify didn’t lie) and liked it, and then I found his blog. His writing toes the line I want to toe between personal stories and uncovering greater truths.
Podcast - Serial Season 3
Full disclaimer: I have not listened to this season yet but I know it is going to be so good. If you have any interest in injustice in the criminal justice system in America, you should listen to the first episode at least.
Book - Strange the Dreamer - Laini Taylor
Occasionally, as I’m browsing Twitter or Goodreads, something about Muse of Nightmares skips along my feed. I then throw my hands up and squeal, most often in the RC in front of Josh, who just shoots me a weird look. “I’m so excited for the sequel to Strange the Dreamer!” I say. Laini Taylor, who already owned my entire fantasy YA loving soul in her Daughter of Smoke and Bone trilogy, just had to outdo herself in Strange the Dreamer, which combines gods and racism and dreams all into one beautiful mess. The cliffhanger was killer, but unlike me, you’ll be reading it right before or right after the sequel comes out so you don’t have to wait two years in agony like me! You’re welcome.
There’s not a lot of times this semester that I can sit and be. 3 out of 5 weeknights I have obligations on campus, and one (and often more) of the other nights I spend with my housemates. When I am on campus, I strive to do work in the RC (which happens maybe 60% of the time) so I do not have to do it when I get home. While I still have a home base on campus, it is in constant motion with coworkers changing shifts and clients coming in and classes coming up. As usual, hurry is an integral piece of my routines.
As a part of Project Neighborhood, there are a couple things I am required to do. One of them is to memorize the 5 pillars of PN—vibrant community, loving neighbors, committed sustainability, attention to the ordinary, and something (perhaps intentional? It was purposeful) discipleship—and some verse in Hebrews 11 I think. Another one is to walk through Richard Foster’s book Celebration of Discipline, which is apparently a famous Christian version of a self-help book (I know—it’s different and I shouldn’t be flippant, but I’m not that far off). We read as a house the first chapter yesterday about meditation and discussed it. The chapter and the insights of my housemates made me realize both the importance of setting aside time to meditate and to be close to God throughout my day. There was a moment in my capstone class where I disagreed with what some of the people at my table said, and I had that little fist squeezing the middle of my ribcage. May it be known, I did say some of what I thought, but I also remembered our conversation last night, took a moment to breathe, and lifted my spirit for a second.
Sometimes I wonder if I lay the Christian holiness aspect of me on too thick with some people. In my capstone class again, I think I cited more Bible verses (I just typed articles, so that should tell you something) in a 650-word response than in any other piece of writing that I’ve done. I want to say I’m continually striving to grow deeper in both my closeness to God and my part in his community on earth, but that’s not always true. Most of the time, I feel like I’m spinning my wheels. Let me get real with you.
I’m not sure I’ve ever explicitly told anyone this, but my goals in faith and my goals with my weight are often linked together in my mind. They are both things that feel immensely important and yet still so out of reach for me. I’m continually trying to inch in progress towards them, sometimes focusing more on one than the other, but it feels like I always slide back down to the bottom. I know that’s not true; I’ve been eating healthily and I’ve been listening to a daily praying podcast that has been super instructive for me in making God a piece of my routine.
I read the obesity article that has been circulating this morning, and I'm glad I did despite the obviously clickbait-y title. It brought up a lot of thoughts, but mostly that I spent my days in middle, high school, and even part of college in the mindset that my body was something to be focused on and fixed. It was only when I was able to take my food consumption fully into my own hands that I felt in control of my destiny and really took ownership of my body. If I decided to bake brownies, I put in the work for it and knew what I was getting into. But this control of food is a major privilege—that I had the money to buy the healthier not-as-processed food, that I had the time to cook it, and that I had the ease of cooking for 1 most of the time. I’m in a better place with my weight, but I still have the moments of thinking, “Are people judging me? Do I look more like this person or this person? I should go running.”
I guess all I’m saying is that life isn’t cut and dry. In my Teaching of Writing class, Professor Johnson told us how in college, students come in as black and white thinkers, become relativists, and then emerge committed to an ideal. In high school, a disappearing stomach and a falling apart Bible were my ideals, and if I wasn’t that I wasn’t enough. I see now that smaller steps and acknowledging failure, even celebrating it, is how people actually live life. I gained 10 pounds over the summer, but I celebrated every day with my family and had the strength to wrangle 30 5- and 6-year-olds every week. I still have not fully figured out how to bring meditation into my daily life, but I listen to Jesus music and Scripture readings as I shower and get ready for the day. For today, my strivings will do.
Recommendations:
Really, read that article. Here’s the quote that gets me:
“I don’t want to be portrayed [in a photograph]; this is not about me. It’s about that guy you always see on the far treadmill at the gym. Or the lady who brings the most beautiful salads to work every day for lunch. It’s about the little girl who got bullied because of her size, and the little boy who was told he wasn’t man enough. It’s not about me, but had it been about me when I was that chubby little girl, maybe I wouldn’t be standing here, head against the door, wondering if I’m enough.”
Blog - The Pursuit of Bravery “When We are All Finally Home”
I found John Lucas’s music buried in my 300 song playlist that I stick all the music I want to listen to eventually. In browsing his author page, I was struck by the EP Family X that he most recently put out to document “the overflow of his wrestlings with injustice—both historical and current—as a white, American, male.” I listened to his music (“Cathedrals” really is the best song, Spotify didn’t lie) and liked it, and then I found his blog. His writing toes the line I want to toe between personal stories and uncovering greater truths.
Podcast - Serial Season 3
Full disclaimer: I have not listened to this season yet but I know it is going to be so good. If you have any interest in injustice in the criminal justice system in America, you should listen to the first episode at least.
Book - Strange the Dreamer - Laini Taylor
Occasionally, as I’m browsing Twitter or Goodreads, something about Muse of Nightmares skips along my feed. I then throw my hands up and squeal, most often in the RC in front of Josh, who just shoots me a weird look. “I’m so excited for the sequel to Strange the Dreamer!” I say. Laini Taylor, who already owned my entire fantasy YA loving soul in her Daughter of Smoke and Bone trilogy, just had to outdo herself in Strange the Dreamer, which combines gods and racism and dreams all into one beautiful mess. The cliffhanger was killer, but unlike me, you’ll be reading it right before or right after the sequel comes out so you don’t have to wait two years in agony like me! You’re welcome.
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