When I'm asking the question, “Am I a good enough Christian?” I'm really asking the question, “Am I going to be able to see my mom again?”
It's no secret (at least I hope it isn't a secret to you all) that I struggle with my spiritual life. I've always had this sense that I'm conning everyone, that this Good Christian Girl™ is just how I act as because it's my personality and how I was raised. I guess in that sense you could argue that Christianity seeped into my bones, but I think following God requires a little more intentionality than that. I try to create intentionality in my cyclical phases of pressuring myself to do through reading the Bible, going to church, praying throughout the day, going to chapel, memorizing Bible verses, plus a new idea here or there.
But tonight my house read Galatians 3:1-6 and 5:1-6 in devos tonight, and my frustrations about my perceived mixed signals in Christianity came to a head. I thought of the passage where Jesus says that some will say to him “Lord, Lord,” and he will say “I never knew you.” I thought of the implorations I've digested to live by faith, not by works. I thought of all my failed faith projects where I try to establish a habit and it just doesn't stick. Ever. It feels like I'm constantly being told that I just need to believe in Jesus and follow him, and then I'm being told that I also need to great commission everyone and continually be in the word and pray without ceasing.
I know these things aren't disconnected. I know being a child of God is about my heart turning towards Jesus, who has been chasing after me, and loving him. And then loving my neighbors. And then following in his footsteps, which include great commissioning and knowing the Bible and praying all the time. I know if my heart's in the right place, I should want that.
So what does it mean if I don't? Worse yet, what does it mean when I read Scripture and go, “Wow, that was really fulfilling. I should do this more often.” and then proceed to not read more Scripture? What does it mean that I pray when I remember and sleep when I don't? What does it mean that I'm more concerned about shaping who I am as a teacher than who I am as a Christian?
(Sure, my teaching philosophy is based on Christian theology—image of God in all students & teachers, seeking after God in all parts of creation, Bible/parables showing how stories are essential to how we relate as humans—but it feels like at this point I'm spending more time honing that than my own ideas and implementations of theology.)
So I've decided that I need to be in a relationship with God and seek after him. What does that mean? What do I do? Should I be concerned that my mind automatically goes to action rather than time or reflection? Should I just adjust my expectations of what I “get out” of these faith actions?
If I don't get this right, how can I even conceive of an afterlife without my mom?
(To which my stuck-up faith voice [you know what I'm talking about] says “You shouldn't be stuck on the afterlife the real good part of Christianity is what we do on earth if you are just in it for heaven you aren't actually in it why think about the afterlife when you haven't even gotten through college?”)
Mom's death upped the ante for me. I know I have the rest of my life to work through this, and I know I can't get it right on my own, but it feels like I have to. It feels like I gotta explore some foundational things and seek more for a relationship. But will I spend time on it? Is it more pressing than planning a unit for 110 students? Is it possible that I can still do all the things that God put me here to do/affect/screw up/make better/prolong/quicken/change and seek him? I'm honestly not sure if I'll even end up taking the time to try.
I've tried to end this post three times, and if I learned anything from actually teaching half of a lesson in class today, it's that I find conclusions really hard. I don't have any recommendations to save my sorry bum, so here: grief permeates the cracks of your life that you would really prefer to ignore, and it seems so far that it either fuses and transforms that piece into something more sturdy or it slowly erodes the cracks, smoothing the edges so they start to look like separate pieces who were never a whole in the first place. I can't quite tell you yet what grief is doing to my faith.
It's no secret (at least I hope it isn't a secret to you all) that I struggle with my spiritual life. I've always had this sense that I'm conning everyone, that this Good Christian Girl™ is just how I act as because it's my personality and how I was raised. I guess in that sense you could argue that Christianity seeped into my bones, but I think following God requires a little more intentionality than that. I try to create intentionality in my cyclical phases of pressuring myself to do through reading the Bible, going to church, praying throughout the day, going to chapel, memorizing Bible verses, plus a new idea here or there.
But tonight my house read Galatians 3:1-6 and 5:1-6 in devos tonight, and my frustrations about my perceived mixed signals in Christianity came to a head. I thought of the passage where Jesus says that some will say to him “Lord, Lord,” and he will say “I never knew you.” I thought of the implorations I've digested to live by faith, not by works. I thought of all my failed faith projects where I try to establish a habit and it just doesn't stick. Ever. It feels like I'm constantly being told that I just need to believe in Jesus and follow him, and then I'm being told that I also need to great commission everyone and continually be in the word and pray without ceasing.
I know these things aren't disconnected. I know being a child of God is about my heart turning towards Jesus, who has been chasing after me, and loving him. And then loving my neighbors. And then following in his footsteps, which include great commissioning and knowing the Bible and praying all the time. I know if my heart's in the right place, I should want that.
So what does it mean if I don't? Worse yet, what does it mean when I read Scripture and go, “Wow, that was really fulfilling. I should do this more often.” and then proceed to not read more Scripture? What does it mean that I pray when I remember and sleep when I don't? What does it mean that I'm more concerned about shaping who I am as a teacher than who I am as a Christian?
(Sure, my teaching philosophy is based on Christian theology—image of God in all students & teachers, seeking after God in all parts of creation, Bible/parables showing how stories are essential to how we relate as humans—but it feels like at this point I'm spending more time honing that than my own ideas and implementations of theology.)
So I've decided that I need to be in a relationship with God and seek after him. What does that mean? What do I do? Should I be concerned that my mind automatically goes to action rather than time or reflection? Should I just adjust my expectations of what I “get out” of these faith actions?
If I don't get this right, how can I even conceive of an afterlife without my mom?
(To which my stuck-up faith voice [you know what I'm talking about] says “You shouldn't be stuck on the afterlife the real good part of Christianity is what we do on earth if you are just in it for heaven you aren't actually in it why think about the afterlife when you haven't even gotten through college?”)
Mom's death upped the ante for me. I know I have the rest of my life to work through this, and I know I can't get it right on my own, but it feels like I have to. It feels like I gotta explore some foundational things and seek more for a relationship. But will I spend time on it? Is it more pressing than planning a unit for 110 students? Is it possible that I can still do all the things that God put me here to do/affect/screw up/make better/prolong/quicken/change and seek him? I'm honestly not sure if I'll even end up taking the time to try.
I've tried to end this post three times, and if I learned anything from actually teaching half of a lesson in class today, it's that I find conclusions really hard. I don't have any recommendations to save my sorry bum, so here: grief permeates the cracks of your life that you would really prefer to ignore, and it seems so far that it either fuses and transforms that piece into something more sturdy or it slowly erodes the cracks, smoothing the edges so they start to look like separate pieces who were never a whole in the first place. I can't quite tell you yet what grief is doing to my faith.
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