Yes, the whole 20 minutes is like that, and I somehow fell in love with it. Whenever it comes up on my instrumental playlist and I'm DJ-ing for house cleaning, I feel guilty enough to just skip the song. I'm not willing to subject people to 20 minutes of slowly losing their grip on music; however, I individually relish the chance. I sink into the beat—the sameness actually makes me lose awareness of when or how it morphs and suddenly I come out on the other side.
I sunk into the sameness of these days pretty well in March, but April is starting to grate. I've lost the shock of the first few bars and now I believe that this is how it has always been, how the song is and forever will be.
What's it going to take to break the comforting pattern I lose myself in?
Somehow the free time I was able to find has been overtaken by my default mindset of optimizing every moment, and now I'm in too deep. I've refilled my time with things that I “need to do” and then have complained that I have no time to do the things I want to do, except now I know I'm lying to myself. Who can say they don't have enough time when they spend 3 hours on Animal Crossing: New Horizons catching bugs?
My multi-tasking has grown exponentially. In order to fill the achievement holes that have been left by not going into school every day, I've somehow convinced myself that if I could potentially combine two things, like listening to a professional development video and completing citizen science research, I should. TV shows? Can't watch those; don't have a hobby where I can do something mindlessly with my hands. Reading? I can't be listening to something, so I'm not so sure if it's a good use of my time...
God forbid I just sit and just be.
Perhaps that’s a part of the reason why I haven’t been writing here: because it requires my full concentration to write. But somewhere deep down inside me, I’ve been missing it. I gave up on trying to write 30 poems in April, but I kept reading poetry. I stopped keeping up with the post calvin, but over the last couple days I’ve been knocked off my feet again and again by pieces by my fellow bloggers (particularly Will Montei’s “Journals”). I wrote in my journal (before I read that piece) recently and worked through something that I hadn’t been able to grasp before.
I thought this quarantine would give me the time to devote to more sole focuses. It hasn’t so far, and it seems ambitious to say I can break the cycle. But maybe I can modulate my notes, chip away little by little.
Recs:
- I just won in a giveaway by Rosiethorns88, this woman who creates these intricate and beautiful fan artworks of books crafted almost entirely out of paper! Check out her feed.
- Ada Limon owns me. Read her “The End of Poetry.”
- I’ve made a lot of pretty decent food over the past few weeks, but some of my top contenders for best quarantine recipe are this pretty simple Curried Coconut Lentil Shakshuka and the insanely delicious Kale Falafel Hummus Wraps. Most unexpectedly good? Easy Rosemary Garlic White Bean Soup. It’s basically only those ingredients, but it’s still delicious?
- I’m double-dipping here, but I’m in love with this creator’s Animal Crossing comics. Think depressed Winnie the Pooh vibes.
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