grief
There are 3 Moves in This One
Someone told me off-hand in that blur of a week that I'm going to have a lot of firsts.
I didn't think that grief would look like Dad picking me up a Boston Red Sox World Series Winner 2018 shirt from BJ's and me trying it on and thinking “Mom will never see me in this shirt.” I didn't expect it to come out after I read Nic Stone's phenomenal novel Odd One Out, but suddenly I said, “Gosh, it sucks that I can't give this to Mom to see what she'll think about it.” After some questions from my housemates, I realized I don't even know if she had ever read the Harry Potter series due to her distaste of fantasy.
I was doing some Black Friday shopping with a housemate and noticed this journal called something like “My Dad's Story.” Its tagline said something along the lines of “Give this to your dad to fill out and cherish in new memories/knowledge.” I picked it up and considered it, because I'm realizing how much I don't know my parent's childhood stories (does that really matter though? I know them as my parents and have stories from that. Childhood stories are a nice added bonus but not essential to my overall view of Mom or Dad). I put it back because it's silly for me to give a book to my dad and say, “I want to know more about you. Fill this book out.” It was only after putting the book back and scanning the shelves was that the mother's version of this book had already sold out. It made me realize how much we depend on mothers, on women. I wondered for the fourteenth time that week what I had missed/am missing due to my mom's death.
I didn't want this to be another Serious Alex™ post. If you had talked to me this week, you may have been surprised that I'm still doing my thing—doing homework, talking about homework, reading YA, cooking not-fantastic food. Life can't stop for me just because it stopped for Mom. Is that selfish to say? Am I not honoring her because I'm wrapped up in my own life? Who's the model for this—Jesus at Lazarus's grave? Joshua after Moses? God the Lord Almighty between the cross and the resurrection?
I didn't want this to be a Serious Alex™ post, but maybe it has to be because Happy Alex™ and Coping Alex™ can only handle the day-to-day interacts. This isn't to say that I need to be sad in my interactions throughout the day; actually, I don't think I can do that. It would be too much. I need to process bit by bit in my space mostly, which probably means this blog. I would apologize, but hey, you clicked the link.
I thought I had it all figured out when I accepted that Lori Vander Klay Johnson is in heaven and is more delighted and loved than she ever was down here. But really, does that comfort me when I'm starting to realize that memories of her will be slowly pushed out of my brain? That a good number of important people who haven't come into my life yet won't know half of the most influential force in my life? Despite all my brave faces during the whirlwind week from November 7th to 14th, I'm not so sure anymore.
I guess I want to leave you with my immense gratitude for every action, big or small, that you've done for me or with me over my short life so far. It seems silly to say and artificial because of the circumstance, but it's genuine.
Happy Alex™ wants to recommend Odd One Out by Nic Stone, arguably the best YA love triangle story ever written, and Reply All because I love those guys. They feel like my podcast uncles who I only see on holidays but to whom I owe lots of useless knowledge and hours of meaningful and silly entertainment. Thanks Alex and PJ. Here's to good hold music (see Episode #33 “@ISIS”) and weird Discord reporting (see Episode #130 “The Snapchat Thief”). She also wants to let you know that lentils are a great easy meal to make and that Newsroom is still a fantastic show, even if it was recommended by your ex-boyfriend.
I didn't think that grief would look like Dad picking me up a Boston Red Sox World Series Winner 2018 shirt from BJ's and me trying it on and thinking “Mom will never see me in this shirt.” I didn't expect it to come out after I read Nic Stone's phenomenal novel Odd One Out, but suddenly I said, “Gosh, it sucks that I can't give this to Mom to see what she'll think about it.” After some questions from my housemates, I realized I don't even know if she had ever read the Harry Potter series due to her distaste of fantasy.
I was doing some Black Friday shopping with a housemate and noticed this journal called something like “My Dad's Story.” Its tagline said something along the lines of “Give this to your dad to fill out and cherish in new memories/knowledge.” I picked it up and considered it, because I'm realizing how much I don't know my parent's childhood stories (does that really matter though? I know them as my parents and have stories from that. Childhood stories are a nice added bonus but not essential to my overall view of Mom or Dad). I put it back because it's silly for me to give a book to my dad and say, “I want to know more about you. Fill this book out.” It was only after putting the book back and scanning the shelves was that the mother's version of this book had already sold out. It made me realize how much we depend on mothers, on women. I wondered for the fourteenth time that week what I had missed/am missing due to my mom's death.
I didn't want this to be another Serious Alex™ post. If you had talked to me this week, you may have been surprised that I'm still doing my thing—doing homework, talking about homework, reading YA, cooking not-fantastic food. Life can't stop for me just because it stopped for Mom. Is that selfish to say? Am I not honoring her because I'm wrapped up in my own life? Who's the model for this—Jesus at Lazarus's grave? Joshua after Moses? God the Lord Almighty between the cross and the resurrection?
I didn't want this to be a Serious Alex™ post, but maybe it has to be because Happy Alex™ and Coping Alex™ can only handle the day-to-day interacts. This isn't to say that I need to be sad in my interactions throughout the day; actually, I don't think I can do that. It would be too much. I need to process bit by bit in my space mostly, which probably means this blog. I would apologize, but hey, you clicked the link.
I thought I had it all figured out when I accepted that Lori Vander Klay Johnson is in heaven and is more delighted and loved than she ever was down here. But really, does that comfort me when I'm starting to realize that memories of her will be slowly pushed out of my brain? That a good number of important people who haven't come into my life yet won't know half of the most influential force in my life? Despite all my brave faces during the whirlwind week from November 7th to 14th, I'm not so sure anymore.
I guess I want to leave you with my immense gratitude for every action, big or small, that you've done for me or with me over my short life so far. It seems silly to say and artificial because of the circumstance, but it's genuine.
Happy Alex™ wants to recommend Odd One Out by Nic Stone, arguably the best YA love triangle story ever written, and Reply All because I love those guys. They feel like my podcast uncles who I only see on holidays but to whom I owe lots of useless knowledge and hours of meaningful and silly entertainment. Thanks Alex and PJ. Here's to good hold music (see Episode #33 “@ISIS”) and weird Discord reporting (see Episode #130 “The Snapchat Thief”). She also wants to let you know that lentils are a great easy meal to make and that Newsroom is still a fantastic show, even if it was recommended by your ex-boyfriend.
Post a Comment